Monday: PI DAY!

What goes on for infinity and tastes amazing? Pi day.

A happy Monday indeed.

Part of the initial weight was lifted off my shoulders Friday evening. After nearly a week of holding in the news, I told many of my close friends. It was a relief I never could have anticipated going so well. Three of my five meals were paid for as a result last week... I should have taken that as a positive sign.

Dinner last night at my folks house also helped ease into my decision. Of course they're sad. I knew they would be all along. And part of me questions: have I always stuck around because I was afraid to leave them? Oh the complexities. Regardless of past decisions, I'm working through the present one.

Over the next five months I will say countless times, It's setting in and I'm really okay with it; I'm excited and it's great. But chances are these statements will be followed by mini-meltdowns. Fourteen hundred miles is a long way for someone who has never been anywhere.

What I do know is that yesterday - in its entirety - was spent baking. I made three large pies and six small ones, to make up 3.14 pies in honor of the mathematical holiday today. It made everything feel okay.

In moments of solitude realize that you have much more to look forward to, for it is in the intricacies, the everyday that you are happy. And that no matter where you're at, you will always have yourself - your past and present of what y0u love and are.

All I own I carry with me.

Friday: Life Signs

For the past year I waited for clearly defined signs and paths to lead me where I was supposed to go. Perhaps post-graduation depression, maybe actual floundering and uncertainty. Who knows. What I do know is I'm almost positively sure that sign has now presented itself to me. Not pretty sure, sure sure. When the first arrived on Sunday I said, Wow, Okay, but thought that perhaps there was too much coincidence or chance was involved.

Of course I couldn't take it for what it was worth, and needed a second, more concrete "sign" as verification. So I said, If THIS comes, then indeed, it is a sign of what I have to do. And unfailingly, THIS arrived last night.

Sometimes, all you have to do is ask for more direction. If you find yourself wandering aimlessly for too long, question your options. Decide on two or three desired outcomes and make a pro/con list. Then identify the "signs" for each. If nothing happens, try again. Eventually it will all come up Millhouse.

thursday, life

I'd be entirely lying if I said I wasn't scared out of my mind.

Before tonight I'd never enjoyed the feeling of fear, of the unknown. Now, I'm laying in bed, eating coconut milk filled mochi and picturing myself in the future tense. It's amazing.

An homage to food: Living

A look back at my favorite food moments from the past year:

17th Street Benedict from Bluebird in Kansas City, MO

Winning second place at the MN State Fair

First Lattice-topped Apple Pie

Chocolate cupcakes with Salted Caramel Buttercream

Pumpkin Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Buttercream

Beet salad with goat cheese, candied pecans, mixed greens and Bell's Two Hearted

Assorted cupcakes for Cause Trivia 1 Year Anniversary

Satchel's German Chocolate Birthday Cake

Old fashioned Candy Shoppe for my birthday

Carrot Cake for Maija's Birthday

Cappuccino from Dogwood Coffee

Wednesday, Life.

Last night I threw together a quick batch of salted nut rolls for my father. Somehow covering fresh nougat with caramel caused my thought process to redirect to coffee. See, ever since my terrible bout with food poisoning in December, coffee hasn't really been on my radar, so it was unexpected to be day dreaming of the stuff. I thought about the styling I did for Target. It's frustrating to have never seen the print version, BUT! what it made me realize is that it has now been published, and therefore means I can show my rough images!

(Sincerest apologies for the long-winded introduction for merely showing photos of pretty lattes)

What a job. I e-mailed back and forth with the art director for about a week with regards to the type of machine and grinder I wanted, showed up to the studio day of, and poured lattes for three hours. And was compensated generously, to say the least. Perhaps I ought to get back in the world of food styling.

Nicole graciously took me out for celebratory sushi after my quick baking stint yesterday evening. Initially planned as a congratulatory dinner for her recent permanent job acquisition, the meal was quickly diverted to my recent news. Wonderful conversation and equally lovely sushi. Midori's Floating World is potentially the best in the city, aside from Origami. Quality of service and price wins without question.

tuesday, living

Lists: Let them begin, I suppose.

My head has been reeling with thoughts that jump to another thought that jump to anxiety, then to excitement, and back around again until I tell my brain to stop. And then I pretend that none of this is real.

It's a cyclical event that's been occuring for the past three days. I sort of feel like I'm in the movie Groundhog Day.

Speaking of films. I watched Darjeerling Ltd finally this weekend, and whoa. How had I not seen that before.

Anyhow. I keep freaking out. But I think it's ok. It will be ok. I just need to save money and realize that this is entirely for the best. And that it's the sign I've been waiting for.

Monday: Life and living.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). There are some problems that are best sorted out in your subconscious mind. Sleep, meditation and activities that require creativity will help you to synthesize and process your life

The Holy Shit factor has set in.

I'm pretty sure my stress level has risen exponentially, which is funny because I thought it would have gone down, more of a sigh of relief.

But, if for once in my life I should actually take advice from my horoscope, it looks like today is the day.

The new Stars record came on my stereo this morning. Apropos. Always happens to me:

I've never been good with change
I hate it when it all stays the same
Caught between the gold and the gain
Changes, I've never been good with change
I hate it when it all stays the same
Caught between the cold and the wave
My heart beats up again

Needless to say. If that wasn't perfect timing, I don't know what is.

So I am learning to breathe again.

Sunday. Life, living.

I feel like it's appropriate to write something about this moment in time but I'm not sure what.

I wasn't running. The brown fields of Iowa passed my periphery as I drove.

The envelope wasn't big as I'd imagined. I didn't shower today and besides my boots, I'm not wearing anything I thought I would. Now I sit here eating stale pecans. An unbearable lightness of being.

This morning I woke up at three and laid awake next to my sister. I knew an envelope waited for me at home. The future played through my head like a janky sixteen millimeter film I would make about the situation. The future is right now. It doesn't look dissimilar to the one I'd thought of this morning, but it feels real and present, like I am in it and am breathing but I don't entirely understand yet.

Friday: Life

My cohort Bethany contacted me this morning to say that MSq had been de-commissioned last night, that Bob was thrown out of the meeting because he called the head of student organizations a Nazi dictator. See, his actions are entirely him. That put a smile on my face; fighting like the tough bird he is (and adding to my favorite Bob moments of all time). **Aside: Nothing can top him telling a student in front of the class: It's student's like you that make me want to hang myself.**

What saddens me about this potential loss is complex. The tiers start with Mitchell and cascade down to the state of the liberal arts mindset of today. MSq was the last tangible thriving bit of Mitchell on campus. It was the longest standing student organization and a nationally recognized publication. It is potentially heartbreaking for Bob, for Cass, and the countless published/unpublished. And for the lost eighteen year old who was somehow picked out by John Mitchell to be saved by this literary publication, this would be a travesty.

Here's to hoping the English dept. can be creative with fund allocation.

Thursday. Moments in Life

Sometimes I wonder about what life would feel like without anticipation.

What if everything ever just happened and you had nothing to look forward to besides the possibility of something happening?

At times I think that I like the build-up better than the actual event, more than the actual feeling.

Some days I wake up and consider what it would be like to feel nothing at all. Once I tried to teach myself to see without my glasses. It didn't work and I got a headache.

I attempted to live without remorse or regards to other people's feelings. It lasted roughly twelve hours and I felt terrible and empty and selfish. Often I have wondered if I feel too much. I think I would rather feel too much than feel nothing at all.

One morning upon waking up I tried to tell myself that This won't matter in a year, Let it go, but I was wrong. It mattered. Everything does.

Wednesday. Life

Getting take out.

There is something about ordering take-out that screams single white female to me. Maybe it is the visual of sitting at home alone, in pajamas with a carton of fried rice in one hand and chop sticks in the other, watching a rom-com that leads me to this. Who knows. What I do know is last night was the first time since moving into my apartment nearly two years ago that I legitimately ordered take-out.

It went something like this.

I called Kinhdo. The guy who answered the phone - perhaps too affluent and well spoken for his own good - implied that perhaps I had ordered this a few times in the past and have finally tweaked it to perfection. Mock duck fried rice, no msg no onion, extra vegetables. I think he meant I was a pain in the ass. He tells me, Fifteen minutes. I show up in fourteen.

A blind man sits in the waiting area as I enter on the corner of 28th and Hennepin. I nearly trip on his cane as I walk towards the register. We have the same glasses. Momentarily I pause and look him straight in the eyes. I wonder if he sees me, if he knows that we are wearing the same glasses. The man at the register interrupts our glance. He asks if I'm Emily. And I am. My order of course is running late and I eye at the last chair in the waiting area. Before I turn to sit down I hear my name again.

An old man with a long grey beard and glasses walks over to me. It's David. He's a regular at my coffeeshop. As he approaches me he extends his hand and asks how I've been. I answer Well, with a smile, and do not ask how he is because he will answer Not Well. I've been writing again, he tells me. David used to run a halfway house for crazy people. Mentally unsound. He knows them well as he is one. Harvard educated, incredibly intelligent, drove himself mad. I shift my glance towards the vacant chair and he insists on getting back to his meal, and that he was delighted to see me.

Multiple tables walk in. They look at me as they pass and know I am getting take out for myself. My mind drifts as the woman next to me brushes my arm with her newspaper. I recognize this strange holding pattern the three of us are in --the blind man, the woman with the newspaper and myself. A vision of us eating together crosses my mind and I wonder how we would interact since not even the slightest eye contact has yet to be made. I pull out my phone and type, A blind man has the same glasses as me. Maybe he's not blind.

The affluent man speaks my name. He rattles off some line about me having to have been a baby when I started coming to Kinhdo because I mentioned being a customer for over eight years and he fumbles on his words. I can tell he is nervous. He places my order on the counter and I leave with little said.

When I get home, I replicate the exact image I loathe. Carton of fried rice in one hand, chopsticks in the other, and watch An Education on my laptop. For one night, and one night only, I am that single white female.

tuesday, living

Migraine's suck out my will to live. This one started last night around eight and has to be some sort of revenge. My mother's been telling me to go to the doctor and I keep putting it off. Similarly I've been putting off having my eyes dilated for over four years. Clearly this is a painful amalgamation of the two. It's hands down the most fucked up migraine I've ever had. Symptoms: numb left hand(here and there), crazy vision, disorientation, falling over. The list goes on. It's gotten better as the days gone on, but has persisted since nine last night and is a pain in my ass.

Needless to say working at a computer is totally fantastic. And producing a thoughtful post today is just not in the cards.

Monday, life

Mis-interpretation of references are one of my favorite frustrating things. Ever.

For instance. I love the show Parks and Recreation. A lot. Last week, given the responsibility of naming our trivia team I instantly came up with "Rectangle...America...Megaphone" in that format, exactly. See, it is a wonderfully hilarious referential moment from the previous episode of P&R.

My real issue is this: I love inside jokes and references. But they are NEVER repeated back properly [when written down]. When our team was announced for winning first place, they called us the Rectangle American Megaphones. What the fuck. It entirely crushed my feeling of victory. Do you not see the ellipses? Those call for a pause. Plus it says AMERICA not AMERICAN. Anyways. Lesson learned. Never use anything funny or referential in a public trivia setting. It won't pan out for you.

In other news.

I completed my hardest/most tedious baking job to date last night. Fingers were burnt, stuck together, nougat was too hard/too soft. But I persisted. And damn if I'm not tickled pink I did.

Pearson's style salted nut rolls. They were created because of a ridiculous idea I had after eating a similar version with homemade marshmallow. I decided to up the ante and make homemade nougat, replicating the actual form in its entirety. This plan was explained to my friend Scott, who expressed his love for these treats. And tomorrow is his birthday.

Happy early birthday, Scott Johnson.

Bringing this post full-circle: Photo taken just after Rectangle...America...Megaphone's victory at trivia last week.

Friday, living

I always forget when it's Friday. And then come eleven a.m. I start scrambling for things to do

So I came up with list of options for tonight (and tomorrow, and Sunday). These are things I want. Some are actual possibilities:

Fun.
Skeeball at Chuck E Cheese, resulting in fingers trapped [in] Chinese finger traps, and parachuting army men.
Get shitty and drink tequila, pretending it's tropical outside. Chances are it'll feel warmer once I drink said tequila.
Watch Parks & Recreation and laugh. Alot.
Eat pizza and drink beer. Mmmmmmmm.
Play cribbage with The-o and co and CRUSH THEM, showing no mercy, all the while eating shitty food and [probably] drinking shitty beer.
Build an igloo. It's been on my brain all winter. No explanation necessary - who wouldn't want an igloo?
Go to a sports bar. Yep, I totally wasn't kidding when I said it before: Sports bars.
Make homemade salted nut rolls. Yes, like the Pearson's ones, but with marshmallow & caramel made from scratch. I know, it sounds amazing.
Go on a mini trip and not tell anyone. Just up and leave. Maybe Duluth (I found a couple's package for super cheap including a bottle of champagne. Maybe I'll lie and say my significant other is sick. Or dead. And use it for me) Or maybe just drive like I used to, no destination in mind and see where life takes me.
Attend the Walker Screening/Performance of Gravity Was Everywhere Back Then.
Work out.
Be entirely spontaneous and experience pure joy.

The makings of a potentially fun-filled-stuffed-to-the-gills weekend.

Don't limit yourself. Make lists and consider what you really want to do. What would make you happier beyond all else? Do it. Hopefully someone else will experience as much, if not more, joy as you while partaking. Let life happen.

Thursday: Living.

The immortal words of Cowgill have been streaming through my head: I've failed you. To most anyone, that would have no leverage, no pull, no nothing. But to me it's a cringe inducing voice to hear, but one so loaded with sentiment and weight. It feels apropos to fight back just as I used to, insisting to Bob that of course he hadn't failed me, quite the opposite.

So here I sit, reflecting on my entire inactivity. My failure to produce anything in the past three days. I failed Monday and Tuesday. And Wednesday. For some reason I couldn't bring myself to write anything. Perhaps it was the snow. Or maybe it was because my brain was stuck on other things. And since I told myself I'd be accountable this year, that I would at bare minimum produce a small thought each day, my conscience has taken over.

And here I am; Making-up for/explaining my lost time but not necessarily making-up for insight. Maybe breaks are good. A sabbatical, hiatus. (What would the plural form of hiatus be?) Not a failure.

Anyhow, I have been busy. I don't feel bad in the slightest. I have been living. Holding accountable to yet another promise I've made. Get out and live your life.

Here, in brevity, is what I have been up to, learned, experienced discovered.

I started dreaming again.

My father started reading my blog. Welcome. And while it's fine and good that he does, it's a strange adjustment. I promised myself I would in no way edit my posts for anyone or anything. And I won't. What I have found is that it has changed our conversation course: He already knows what I'm going to say, as if reading my mind, and completes my sentences.

The cabin is my favorite place I have ever been. In my life. I could spend the rest of my life in the Beaver House and be entirely content.

I won Mexican Train and lost $40 at a casino

My mother won a meat raffle and chose bacon. What a good woman.

In jest I have said I will spend more time in sports bars. Last night I ended up at a place called Sports Page. You connect the dots.

If you consider how and why you do things, spontaneity may be lost. The possibility of coincidence, of chance. Allow yourself to stray. Go off track for a while. But reflect on the diversion. Chances are it was entirely worth it.

Friday: Living, well

On how to live well.

Such an opinionated, loaded phrase. Living Well. How relative. For instance, last night I had quite the to-do list and by-passed dinner, eating a grapefruit, some crackers/pate and two peanut butter cups. Although not constituted as a "traditional" or "good" meal, it satisfied me. Is living a satisfied life living well?

I think so.

I've been thinking a lot of things as of late. This morning I had the urge to not come to work for the first time. Ever. Yesterday I read the semi-finalist nominees for the James Beard Awards. For pastry chefs, you have to be active for at least five years to be considered for the nomination. In five years I'll almost be thirty. All I could think was, I need to get a move on. It's a strange and seemingly thin line in pursuing passion with regards to a career. Part of me still thinks I want to work in publishing. But a larger part of me keeps saying, Go with this; you are a baker, and eventually you can write about it. It will all come together, I promise.

Needless to say, in the interim, I still feel that sense of purgatory I've felt for all too long. I will never know if I'm doing the "right" thing but I want that reassurance, somehow, from somewhere or someone, that indeed I am making the right move. Maybe that's why I've been reading my horoscope more closely. I'm waiting on by pins and needles. In the meantime my anxiety is showing through my everyday. The other day I closed an e-mail with "They are dangling my heart on a string." The response referenced the closing remark and noted that I am sounding like Cowgill more and more each day. He would hate/love to hear that and deny it entirely. I'd like to think that most of what I do is performed with him in mind. It's a strange beast, pride.

Your pride is not getting in the way of you following your ideals. If it is fear that is inhibiting you, let it go. So what if you fail or do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, lose money, have to start from square one, move across the country, live with your parents. Those are just some examples. Is that so bad? What have you got to lose? Consider this. The feeling of regret you will feel when you're older will far surpass any hurt or failure you experience from trying. Do something. Do it for yourself, and then tell Bob. He'll be really happy for you.

Thursday: This probably means nothing (living)

You are both diplomatic and tolerant. You wouldn't dream of imposing your will on a group of people who do things differently than you do. That's why your contribution and leadership are so necessary to your team.

I trapped myself in a ridiculous habit when I was seventeen by looking at my horoscope daily. Obsessively. And I had convinced myself that the Libra horoscope was so directly related to my life that it actually had an impact. To the extent that upon reflection of my horoscope and my day, a complete parallel would reveal itself. The routine of clipping out my astrological fortune from the StarTribune became part of my morning. I obtained a black box to hold them, because as my now swayed superstitious mind thought, if I threw them away, they wouldn't be real or valid or something bad would happen. Or something. (See: Faulty Logic) Anyways, I digress.

What this leads to is this: Each morning, I still read my horoscope. I don't cut it out, I merely look online. Although no longer thoroughly engrossed, it still stays within my subconscious, and I think it effects my actions, even if only slightly. Today for instance, I got in a stupid, stupid argument. And then let it drop because I am diplomatic and tolerant (See: Above). Apparently I am diplomatic and tolerant. I read that this morning, it stuck with me, and in the midst of the argument I thought, You need to be more tolerant, got all diplomatic with my viewpoint and allowed the issue to drop. And the best/worst part about it was: I was arguing whether or not nerdy girls are hot.

Can I just go ahead and say, What the fuck? OK.

What this leads to is maybe you need better things to occupy your time. Stop reading your horoscope. Or don't; perhaps it is teaching you to be a better person. Regardless of your horoscope, consider what you spend your free time doing. Perhaps you are being productive, who knows. Just be aware of how you occupy your boredom; you have found yourself quite bored lately. Make it positive whatever it is, and most of all, take note. It's important somewhere, to someone, somehow.

Wednesday: Amendments, Living

An amendment to my winning list:

Parking. I have acquired the nickname of "Eagle Eye" because of my keen ability to spot the most phenomenal parking spots. It's sort of like a spidey-sense. My parallel parking skills are also top notch.
Multi-tasking. It's not so much a skill, but a way of life. And my multi-tasking-attention-deficit-juggling-doing-a-million-things-at-once competency is baffling. And since it is a way of life (as I learned from the If-Than/Proofs in ninth grade math), it subsequently means I win at life.
**Pineapple upside-down cake. See below.

On the topic of productivity and multi-tasking...
Immediately after work last night, I headed to the gym, ran 2 miles, and then went to the grocery store. I then made dinner for me and Mikey and simultaneously baked two pineapple upside-down cakes. Although I wanted to partake in spin class at the gym, cakes took precedence. Raincheck on spin, cake for the win. Add my first attempt at pineapple upside-down cake to the amended list. Win.

Tuesday: Winning (life)

Winning. To succeed, be victorious, rank at the highest level of achievement.

For some reason today I feel it necessary to remind myself of the things I win at. Or have won. Ready, go:

Cribbage. Saturday February 5th
Trivia. Monday February 14th
Shopping. The ability to find something I need and/or an incredible deal is astounding.
Baking. 2nd place MN State Fair, August 2010. Ok, didn't win, perse, but won a ribbon. Winning.
Friendship. I have really awesome friends. And am pretty ok at being one (I think).
Useless knowledge. The knowledge retention and ability to conjur up with little-to-no-notice is stifling.
Eating abilities. Apparently I can eat a lot. Who knew?!
Having a super stupid sneeze. It's really girly. And sounds fake. And it's entirely real. Win.
Procrastination. If my grad school application isn't proof enough, I don't know what is.
Organizational compentency.
Being pro-active/taking others by surprise. I joined a gym. Nothing else needs to be said.
Napping. I'm really good at this.

Perhaps you need to make a daily list of things you excel at, win, achieve. Although in jest you say "I win at life," with regards to various aspects of your life, consider that perhaps you do. Have you thought of that? You are alive afterall. That has to count as an epic win somewhere, to someone. So take your victories where you can. And mark them down. Someday you will have a really impressive trophy case.

Monday: Valentines Day, Cliched Living

Your passion for learning grows exponentially as you enjoy getting into the more nuanced layers of a subject. For you, it's not about becoming an expert. The joy of learning is its own reward.

Hopefully my horoscope from today is a sign of some sort. Foreshadowing. I really love foreshadowing.

Speaking of love. It's Valentine's Day. One thing should be stated: I don't hate Valentines Day.

It's simply a signified day to love all of the things I love (as if I didn't already). Last year, I listened to Magnetic Fields' 69 Love Songs in its entirety while I baked, which was apropos and pretty awesome. I'd never had a complete, one-sitting listening. So I baked and had a great soundtrack. This may become a tradition.

This weekend following suit with the "love" category, I bought myself a Le Creuset tea pot. Because I earned it, as Satchel Moore would say. I also got tulips, Godiva truffles, a Le Creuset butter dish, and two pairs of shoes. All things I love, naturally.

Today gets filed in the happiness category. Don't think of what you don't have, and think of what you do. What makes you happy and what do you love? Consider, it doesn't have to be a who necessarily. You love a lot of things. Today will be a good one.