My stories are not unlike the contents of my refrigerator. I habitually buy yet rarely use the goods I get at the grocery store. Having groceries puts some strange part of me to rest. It's like, if everything else hits the fan, I know I have food in my fridge, and that means something, right?
I just keep telling myself that what I'm doing probably means something, and is in someway "right." After applying to multiple jobs and getting multiple interviews and multiple rejection letters touting me as "the top candidate but seemingly over qualified," I decided to beat them to the punch for the next job I apply to and actually BE overqualified so I can shake my head "Yes" and say, "You know what, I am over-qualified, thank you for reiterating that fact for me." That said, I'm applying to graduate school.
And what a daunting awful thing it is. I signed up for a class to prepare me but all it seems to do is expose my flaws and inadequacies as a human being. It's simple, they tell me. Write a thesis sentence and then construct a coherent, five paragraph essay that clearly conveys your issue. Right. See, that wouldn't be a big deal but consider, A. I haven't written a thing, let alone a thoughtful technical essay in pressing six months and B. There is a constant voice I hear echoing through my thoughts that says "Don't be deadly dull, defy conventions." And there, I have my undergraduate education to thank. I was worked so thoroughly to the bone in the avenues of criticism and craft that I have debilitating anxiety and fear creating the very medium at hand.
So where exactly does this leave me? I have a plane ticket for Boston and a seat at the U of M reserved for the GRE. I'm out six hundred dollars and my anxiety levels have exponentially risen to an all time high. A part of me says, "You're in over your head Hanson, back out while you can." And another saying, "Seriously? Buck up, you asshole." Really no question remains, because, undoubtably I will take this exam. Sure, I may be in over my head, but as this post begs to prove, I can in fact produce a five paragraph something.