Some days I wake up and miss a certain person so much it feels that I am stuck, immobilized, like the whole world is going to stop because I know that no matter what I do I cannot physically see them ever again. As much as I want to talk to them, tell them all of the exciting and boring things in my life - because I know even if I told them "I ate a salad for lunch today" they would be interested - I can't and it sort of destroys me when I think about it too hard.
I wonder if that feeling will ever go away or if it will stay with me forever.
The memento mori concept has been ever present lately. I've been thinking about people dying. Sometimes I think I'm really selfish, and chances are I probably am.
Some evenings I feel like I am a bachelor when it comes to making dinner for myself. It's almost like I have never heard of or learned the concept of a balanced meal and I eat all of my favorite things ever. Or like I am a child who is left alone for the first time to fend for herself and eats cookies and cheetos and ice cream and string cheese for dinner. Tuesday night I ate pate and cheese and sweet potato gnocchi and macarons. And the inevitable stomach ache [inevitable and obvious to any outside party] ensued. Some day I will learn to be a real adult.
A Gatsby inspired summer is growing near. Visions of lawn activities, lavish cocktails, lakes, minus the heartbreak, deceit, and main character found dead in his own pool.
Bucket lists are growing by the minute. It's almost as if my life will end when the summer does, but in fact, it will not. It will just begin.
113
13 years ago
