Friday: Living, well

On how to live well.

Such an opinionated, loaded phrase. Living Well. How relative. For instance, last night I had quite the to-do list and by-passed dinner, eating a grapefruit, some crackers/pate and two peanut butter cups. Although not constituted as a "traditional" or "good" meal, it satisfied me. Is living a satisfied life living well?

I think so.

I've been thinking a lot of things as of late. This morning I had the urge to not come to work for the first time. Ever. Yesterday I read the semi-finalist nominees for the James Beard Awards. For pastry chefs, you have to be active for at least five years to be considered for the nomination. In five years I'll almost be thirty. All I could think was, I need to get a move on. It's a strange and seemingly thin line in pursuing passion with regards to a career. Part of me still thinks I want to work in publishing. But a larger part of me keeps saying, Go with this; you are a baker, and eventually you can write about it. It will all come together, I promise.

Needless to say, in the interim, I still feel that sense of purgatory I've felt for all too long. I will never know if I'm doing the "right" thing but I want that reassurance, somehow, from somewhere or someone, that indeed I am making the right move. Maybe that's why I've been reading my horoscope more closely. I'm waiting on by pins and needles. In the meantime my anxiety is showing through my everyday. The other day I closed an e-mail with "They are dangling my heart on a string." The response referenced the closing remark and noted that I am sounding like Cowgill more and more each day. He would hate/love to hear that and deny it entirely. I'd like to think that most of what I do is performed with him in mind. It's a strange beast, pride.

Your pride is not getting in the way of you following your ideals. If it is fear that is inhibiting you, let it go. So what if you fail or do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, lose money, have to start from square one, move across the country, live with your parents. Those are just some examples. Is that so bad? What have you got to lose? Consider this. The feeling of regret you will feel when you're older will far surpass any hurt or failure you experience from trying. Do something. Do it for yourself, and then tell Bob. He'll be really happy for you.